you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
