My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
