I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
