I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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