Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
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There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
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i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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