..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
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Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
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I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I party with great urgency now.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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