Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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