oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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