I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
