Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
