dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
