Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
50% drunk capacity currently
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
