Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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