I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
