I murdered the dance floor call the cops
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
As shirtless as possible
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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