my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
