I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
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