I cockslap morals
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
The uberlube is also flammable
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
