grandma shit on top of the toilet
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
