Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
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