So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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