For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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