Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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