So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize