maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
