Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
