i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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