I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
