dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
