you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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