"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
