At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
