omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
