I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
