Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
