Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
