my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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