you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
