she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
