this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
We need a shit load of segways right now
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
