Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
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