Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
