Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
