i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
