Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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