I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Another day, another engagement, another cat
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I supernannyed him into submission
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
