i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
