Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
