I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
