My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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