I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Found your dick twin last night
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
