Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
