I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
