My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
My vagina just clenched in fear
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
