it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
